The Stoned Age:

Weed, Water, and Wisdom Through the Centuries

Humanity's First Engineering Project: The Perfect Hit.

Your great, great, great, great. great, great grandfather inventing the "Smoke Spot".

If you're like us, you probably thought we'd get to water-cooled smoke later on down the line, but, our ancestors were without a doubt "highly motivated".

When ancient humans identified life's essential problems, their priority list looked something like this:

1: Fire

2: Shelter

3: A smooth way to smoke herbs

4: Everything else (eventually...)

Settle in, grab your favorite waterpipe, and prepare to learn about the world's oldest bong, ancient cannabis tools, and hashish history!

What Came First, the Bud or the Bong?

The Scythians were ripping golden bongs in 400 BCE while Europeans wouldn't use forks for another 1,500 years. Maybe they were onto something—after all, creativity does flourish when you're relaxed.

Once humanity figured out the waterpipe, the rest was a piece of cake (or maybe something else, as even cake wasn't invented for a few more years)!

It's hilarious to realize that humanity perfected water-filtered smoking thousands of years before we:

Invented mass communication (Printing Press, 1440 CE)

Figured out basic hygiene (Toothbrush, 1498 CE)

Stayed dry in the rain (Umbrella, 1750s CE)

Even made something as simple as a Sandwich (1762 CE)

Priorities, right?

It's hilarious to realize that humanity perfected water-filtered smoking thousands of years before we:

Invented mass communication.

(Printing Press, 1440 CE)

Figured out basic hygiene.

(Toothbrush, 1498 CE)

Stayed dry in the rain.

(Umbrella, 1750s CE)

Even made something as simple as a Sandwich.

(1762 CE)

Priorities, right?

(Pro tip: Next time someone calls stoners lazy, remind them we've been perfecting this craft since before Jesus, the Great Wall of China, and Julius Caesar.)

THE OG STONERS: A GLOBAL TOUR

While many ancient cultures turned to plant medicine to heal the sick and enhance spiritual practices, not all of them discovered the medicinal and psychoactive benefits of cannabis at the same time. The use of marijuana—whether for healing, ritual, or recreation—spread gradually across civilizations, shaped by trade, migration, and cultural exchange.

Thankfully, archaeology allows us to trace this fascinating journey.

By examining ancient artifacts, burial sites, and textual records, we can piece together who first recognized cannabis as a powerful medicinal and sacred plant, how they consumed it, and how knowledge of its benefits traveled from one society to another.

Early African Dokha Pipe

Neolithic China (5000–3000 BCE):

The First Connoisseurs

While many cultures started to grow hemp for rope and fabrics, some curious soul in Neolithic China inevitably asked: "But what if we... smoke it?" Since then, things have never been the same.

Pen-ts’ao Ching (2700 BCE):

The world's first weed review. The ancient Chinese pharmacopeia Pen-ts’ao Ching delivers history’s earliest documented cannabis critique: "If taken in excess, will produce hallucinations. If taken long-term, makes one communicate with spirits." Translation?

"This stuff gets you zooted and maybe psychic."

Pamir Mountains Burial (500 BCE):

Archaeologists discovered high-THC cannabis residue in 2,500-year-old braziers from the Pamir Mountains, suggesting our ancestors didn’t just use cannabis—they ritualized it. These burial-site findings imply communal smoke sessions for spiritual journeys or rites of passage. Think of it as the original smoke circle, proving that humanity’s love of ceremonial herb is truly timeless.

Excerpt from the Pen-ts'ao Ching

Vedic India (1500–1000 BCE):

Spiritual Tokers

Ancient India didn’t just use cannabis—they sanctified it. Taking inspiration from the regions and cultures around them, they found ways to incorporate this plant into both medicinal and religious practices. If you've ever seen a street festival celebrating Holi, you know India has a (literally) colorful history with the herb!

Atharva Veda:

One of the oldest Hindu scriptures (circa 1500–1200 BCE), lists bhanga (cannabis) as one of five sacred plants revered for their healing properties. Ancient texts describe its use in alleviating stress, promoting sleep, and even warding off evil spirits. Ritualistic consumption was believed to bring devotees closer to the divine, making it a spiritual sacrament as much as a medicinal herb.

Ayurveda:

Cannabis was prescribed for ailments ranging from chronic pain to digestive disorders. It was also valued as a meditative aid, helping practitioners achieve deeper states of consciousness. Over centuries, Ayurvedic texts like the Sushruta Samhita detailed cannabis preparations in oils, tonics, and pastes, showcasing its versatility in ancient pharmacology.

Bhang:

No, not the energy drink... instead. a traditional cannabis-infused beverage! Bhang has been central to Holi and other Indian festivals for thousands of years. Mixed with milk, spices, and herbs, it was consumed to celebrate joy, unity, and spiritual transcendence.

Some historians compare these vibrant, cannabis-fueled gatherings to "ancient rave culture," where communities bonded over music, dance, and sacred intoxication.

Traditional illustration showing early Hookah usage in Vedic India.

Lesson: If your herbs aren’t blessed, are you even smoking right?

Ancient Egypt (1550–1070 BCE):

The Kingdom of Kush

The Ancient Egyptians took cannabis from medicine to mysticism. Taking over the torch from the ancient Indians, the ancient Egyptian culture incorporated cannabis into their highest rituals, even wrapping their kings in hemp fibers. Think about that next time you wrap up your own hemp fibers!

Ramses II’s Mummy (1213 BCE):

When scientists discovered hemp pollen inside Ramses II’s sarcophagus, it sparked debate: was cannabis used as an embalming preservative or as a sacred offering for the afterlife? Given hemp’s antibacterial properties, it may have aided mummification—but could the great pharaoh have also been buried with his favorite herb for the ultimate "afterlife party favor"? With his legendary reign, perhaps Ramses deserved a king-size wrap for eternity—making him history’s most regal stoner mummy.

Ebers Papyrus:

One of the oldest medical texts, prescribes cannabis for glaucoma and mysterious "female troubles"—likely the world’s first recorded PMS remedy. Egyptian healers brewed it into topical ointments and suppositories, showcasing early knowledge of its therapeutic effects. Who knew Cleopatra’s wellness routine might have included a cannabis-infused spa day?

Excerpt of the Ebers Papyrus

Verdict: Pyramid builders needed to unwind too.

Scythian Nomads (5th Century BCE):

History’s Ultimate Stoners

While others meditated or healed, the Scythians said:

"Let’s get weird."

The 24k golden bong unearthed in 2013, provided us with the oldest example of water-cooled cannabis being smoked, proving they were well ahead of their time. Interesting enough, their consumption didn’t stop with waterpipes, as they were also the first culture to discover the hot-box!

Mobile Hotboxes:

Felt tents + red-hot stones = Bronze Age vaporizers (Ancient Greek historian, Herodotus, documented the many "howls of joy" that would be heard from outside the tents).

Solid Gold Bongs:

Found in warrior graves—because style matters in the afterlife

Multi-substance Pioneers:

Residue shows they mixed cannabis + opium (just because your ancestors did it, doesn't mean you should too!)

While other cultures used cannabis for medicine or religion, the Scythians were the first to enjoy it in the same way you do, to relax and form social bonds. Just a glance at their archeological record will prove that:

Stoner engineering predates electricity.

The best parties leave archaeological evidence!

If your bong isn't solid gold, are you even trying?

Bongs: From Gold to Glass

Inventions are never perfect on their first iteration. It can take centuries of building them over and over again, until a new idea pops up. While you study over this timeline of water-cooling innovation, imagine what new inventions await us 1,000 more years from now!

The World's First Bong:

Intricately crafted with ancient nomadic artistry. This ceremonial piece features elaborate animal motifs and detailed engravings, reflecting the Scythians' mastery of goldwork and their rich cultural traditions. A rare blend of history and function, this artifact highlights the sophisticated craftsmanship of the Eurasian steppe

Lessons Learned

Next time you take a hit, remember—you're participating in a 4,000-year tradition of human ingenuity. Perhaps, you’ll be the next great inventor to move our ritual forward into the future. And if anyone questions your life choices, just whisper:

"The Scythians did it first."

Want more ancient smoke stories? Drop a comment and let us know!🔥🍃

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